Cindy's story for discussion on 10/29

Self Reflection
By Cynthia Limoges

Words cannot describe the hate I feel. Ever since the beginning of this meaningless relationship it’s been nothing but lies and deceit. You ask yourself, when? When will the lies stop? When will the pain and suffering stop? When will you grow the courage to just simply say, No…No more…I will no longer tolerate your bull shit anymore. Much like the cries of victims suffering through pure mental torture, when there’s no escape to their deep darkest secrets of fear that live within their heads, their hearts, their souls. It’s merely a viscous cycle that will never come to an end until they face their fears. Look…look at yourself you sorry son of a bitch. Face yourself in the mirror and tell me do you really like what you see? Do you really know who you are? Do you really know what you want? God if I could only stop thinking for once, I just want to be free… free from this demented mind that continuously plays out like a broken record. I can’t help but wonder if it’s truly the person I hate or do I really hate myself? This voice, it speaks to me…What? I can’t quite hear you? What is it that you’re trying to tell me? Is it code for something that will lead me to freedom, freedom from my own hell and self pity? There it is again…I feel the hairs on my neck stand, it’s actually freaking me out. Please just leave me alone, go away. I want to hear from no one, I just want to be left alone. I fear this voice that comes to me. But alone… there’s a concept…Alone. Am I afraid to be alone? Aren’t we all? I think its fear of the unknown, the simple question of what if that lingers in my head. What if…a phrase that I cannot fathom nor accept. I can justify the what if, it’s just not good enough. I just don’t get it. Maybe if I take these scissors and just cut, that’s it…that will take the pain away...its stings, the blood; I didn’t expect so much blood. I can feel my leg throbbing as if my heart was sitting on my lap and I’m watching the blood pump out of it. Stop your fucking weeping, that’s all you do is cry, cry, cry. Why don’t you really handle the situation? How do I handle the situation, or is there even a situation. I feel nothing but hurt and I’m convinced nothing will take it away. I feel like such a hypocrite, I’m suffering myself yet everyone expects me to hold it together…be the strong one. I’m sick of being strong; you mean continue to live a lie just as you have always lied to me. You sit there with such a straight face and have the audacity to continue to lie. You feed your lies as if they were humans and you need them to survive. Do you have no mercy, no heart or is your heart that stone cold? Every time you speak, it’s such evil, it’s hissing from a snakes mouth. I can’t stand you, you did this to me and I allowed it to come this far. I hate you, I hate me! Nothing will save me from this pain and misery! I seek the truth, I seek peace, I seek freedom from all of this hate. My hands are shaking; I can feel and hear the blood rushing through my body. I’ve never thought so clearly. I hold it to my head; I wonder if my mind will continue to think after it’s over. Will I still suffer or will I be condemned to hell for eternity and burn for my sin. There it is again, the what if. I can’t take it anymore, I squeeze my eyes shut, my finger ever so gently squeezes…Silence….My ears are ringing, I feel my body hit the floor; my thoughts are raising, the voice…I recognize the voice, it’s the voice that’s haunted me for years…it’s my guardian angel, it was he who was trying to protect me. Silence, I see darkness but my mind is still thinking. I’m tired now I think I’ll just…..