Nick's story - in case you missed it in class!

Nick Richardson
Fiction Writing 205

“where were you last night?” Sean, a stoner surfer asked.
“you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” replied Bryan, a stoner surfer bum.
Bryan and Sean were bartenders at a local bar in a beach front town. Sean had the night off and decided to go to see a paraplegic Korean James Brown impersonator at a local karaoke bar down the road from the one he worked at. The singer was tone deaf, had a large vascular upper body and made up for his lack of legs with an overly exuberant flailing of his arms, but this only made the performance so much more perversely ironic…and Sean would’ve died happy that night if it weren’t for his half sister, Laura, showing up with his ex-girlfriend, Shania twain, who dumped him for Laura several months prior to this night. The last time Laura and Sean ran into each other they got into an altercation and Sean ended up in the ER with two broken ribs, a busted nose, a black eye and a burst right testicul. Laura trained as a mixed martial arts fighter for several years, after high school, and won several small competitions. Sean feels a sharp pain in his pride and crotch as he leaves through the back door.
“So I had to work with Nate last night“ starts up Bryan. “I showed up at like seven thirty- eight o‘clock. And we were working the inside bar cuz well god was pissin hard last night so no one felt like opening the deck bar. So I get in and it was a quiet night only like twenty five thirty inside. I walk behind the bar clock in and Nate comes up to me and shows me a bottle of firefly 4/5th’s empty.” And so proudly states, “to my head kid! To my fuckin’ head!’”
“Fuckin lush” Sean replies.
“I know right!” The guy needs AA worse than Frank Garry needs to learn how to draw a straight line.”
Sean chuckles. “So he’s been drinking since open and I’m just trying to imagine how bad this night will go. We actually were alright for like the first half an hour until these three cougars stroll in and order like four cosmos each.”
“fuckin bitches” Sean chimed in again.
“Seriously, so anyway they start getting faced and Nate starts chatting them up, then they start doing shots together with him! He became a complete stumbling jabawakee so I took over all his tabs. About twenty minutes or so after the shots I’m down at the end of the bar I turn around and Nate is making out with this chick who’s old enough to be his mom! I was about to yell at him to get off the bar but then the other two women started stripping in the middle of the bar so I had to take care of that.”
“ya hosed em”
“I fuckin hosed em! but then chuck booze walks in wearing a telli tubby outfit like a real Telli Tuby outfit, no joke, including the hat and then HE starts getting in the mix. So now I’ve got two middle aged half naked soaking wet women dancing with a giant stuffed animal!! but I cant kick them out because Nate wanted them to stay and I needed a good tip out so I just grit my teeth.”
“Fuck dude.” A typical two word response from Sean.
Bryan lights up a cigarette jittering from agitation and Sean does the same but with a joint. “So I think the night cant get any worse…I was wrong. I try to keep the other custi’s appeased and so I feed em a few on the house. Nate calmed down for a minute and started doing his job. So I went outside to have a cig. I didn’t even take two drags and then Nate and that woman blow out the door next to me literally hurdle two bushes and jump in his car with in seconds and I hear what sounds like a wildebeest and a blue whale fighting over the last hot pocket!”
“what?!! Haha that was the weirdest analogy I’ve ever heard but cudos to the effort.”
“so I go inside and the wet and the dancing has receded a bit I apologize for nates behavior to the ones just trying to have drink and a quiet clothed night. - I make myself shift drink. A half an hour goes by and the forbidden lovers stroll in covered in toilet paper! They looked like a couple drunk mummies!!
“TP?! Where the fuck did they get that?”
“I don’t know! maybe they stopped by stopped by CVS between tummy puddles.”
They both cringe with the thought of a distorted version of Mrs. Robinson.
Nate gets behind the bar goes down to the end and starts taking drink orders, while sparsely covered in a biodegradable body turban. I turn around to see if anyone needs anything turn back to Nate taking an order while PISSING in the sink at the end of the bar!! [WHAT the fuck Nate!!] I yelled. Thank god no one noticed. He finished up and straight jumps over the bar and kicks out the remaining people in the bar. I thought, thank god Ill close up and I can get out of here. I bring back the bar mats and when I come back everyone’s gone the drawer is cleared out the tip pool is empty and the place wreaks of piss, shame and anger…but mostly booze, and wet dog probably from the telli tubby outfit. I didn’t even bother to clean I just locked up and left.. . So how was your night?”